Balance & “Wank Wednesday”

On Twitter today I ran across a cool new, weekly writing prompt called Wank Wednesday (#wankwednesday on Twitter.) This week’s prompt was “Balance.”  Unfortunately, while the prompt definitely inspired a whole slew of writing, it doesn’t actually seem to fit in with the style of most of the writing there.  I may still come up with something for it, but for now, what you get is lots more headstuff than sexstuff.  So I won’t submit this to the blog, but I do want to share it here, nonetheless.

Maybe next week for some sexy Wank Wednesday material!

So, it’s funny that my first try at an entry into the “Wank  Wednesday” writing prompt should be something less than true “wank” material, since, really, so much of my writing is just that.  C’mon, it’s okay to admit.  I know it, you know it. Ya’ll don’t come over here to read about the intricacies of three-way relationships, or what I think about D/s dynamics or how W’s and my relationship is evolving.  You come over here to read about sex.  At least I hope you do. Cuz that’s what I like most to write about.

It’s okay if you like the other stuff, too.

But seriously, what came to mind when I saw the word “balance” as the writing prompt, while about sex in one respect (because that is a place where balance matters as well) was also about relationship, and the balance between my relationships; how that balance shifts back and forth, and the stressors that sometimes threaten to unbalance them.

I’m good at keeping a balance, for the most part. I try to portion out my time fairly, if not evenly (because I have obligations that keep me home with Ad more than at W’s.) (At least I think it is fair, and I think W and Ad thinks it is as well.  I will have to ask them both, now that I have brought the question up.) I believe I maintain an emotional balance, and we all three keep an eye out for each other, making sure that we’re all satisfied and happy.  In any case, it was while I was laying in bed with Ad last night that the question of balance first came up in my mind. It was actually earlier that morning that I first started thinking about it, though it wasn’t in those terms, but last night, laying cuddled against him after he’d made love to me, that I really started to think about it.

Actually what I thought, precisely, was this: I wish I could insert and remove my labia rings at will.

And what, you may ask, does this have to do with balance? Hang on, I’m gonna tell you.

It’s simple, really.  Ad is not as…enamored…of them as W and I are. I wish that when I have sex with Ad, I could take them out to make him happy.

As I may have mentioned a time or two, sex is different with Ad than it is with W. Sex with W doesn’t always involve pain, but it almost always involves some form of control. But even if we are really “just having sex,” those rings remind me the entire time of our dynamic, of what I’ve done for him, of who is in control. And even if he doesn’t deliberately pinch and press on them, it happens sporadically while we’re doing it, a constant, delicious reminder.

Sex with Ad, on the other hand, while it can have some kink to it, very seldom has pain in it, and the control is not D/s so much as just kinky play. Grabbing my hair, covering my mouth, holding my legs spread.  Like that.  It’s one of the things I like about sex with Ad.  Most times it’s actually pretty vanilla, but he knows my body so well that it’s good vanilla.  There are times when I just want a nice, pleasant orgasm, or I want to tell him to fuck me with his fingers, or doggie style, or…whatever. I never tell W what to do.  Beg, whine, whimper, plead on occasion…

But that’s a whole nother story. ;-)

Ad is well aware of my proclivities. He knows I like it rough, he knows I am pretty driven by kink, but he knows that I also enjoy sex, the “regular” kind, with him. It’s not “gentler,” just different.  And he enjoys that, being able to give me that side of love and sex too.

The thing is though…since the advent of the last set of rings…he has been…a bit hands-off.  He used to finger me a LOT. One of my favorite ways to get off was for me to rub my clit while he was finger-fucking me, deeply, probing down in this one spot or stroking my g-spot, or using a toy to fuck me.  That’s one thing I don’t get too often with W: he makes me fuck myself, but seldom with toys, either used by him or me.  I love what W does, don’t get me wrong, but even with him sometimes I am want to beg him (tho I can’t seem to get the words out of my mouth) to shove his fingers inside me, to spread me open with his fingers or fuck me with a toy.  I love that feeling and image and it is often an image that I use to drive me orgasm: being fucked by some object, something inert and inanimate in his hands (mrow!)  But I could never bring myself to ask for it with W.

With Ad, I can ask for it.

Him finger-fucking me has long been one of my favorite things he does, by the way. He used to wake me up like that, stroking the outside of my pussy and thighs and, as I came awake, gently, slowly, beginning to stroke the inner lips as they swelled and got slick with juices.  Sometimes this gentle teasing would last a half hour or more, with me trying to block him out so I could go back to sleep and my body betraying me, opening to him, until finally I would give in and turn to him and he would roll over on top of me; into me.

Since the rings, he doesn’t do that anymore. In fact, since the rings, he doesn’t touch my labia much at all.  I think he truly is disconcerted by them.  Not turned off, but…they don’t hold the same erotic charge that they do for W and I, and he has some definite and clear reluctance about touching them.  “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said last time I asked.

Yesterday morning we had sex.  It was good sex, sweet half-awake morning sex, but I noticed a…holding back in him.  And, once again, he didn’t wake me as he usually does, or use his hands and fingers the way he usually does.  So last night, when I climbed into bed, I turned to him.  “Will you touch me while I use my vibrator?” I asked. (He’s usually too tired for sex at night, but will frequently “assist” while I use my vibe.)

He smiled. “Of course.”

But his hands wandered everywhere but where I wanted them. He has a thing he used to do where he would stroke my pussy lips ever so lightly with just the tips of his fingers while I used Baldy (my Hitachi.) It absolutely drove me wild with pleasure.  After a few minutes I said, “You can touch my rings, you know. You can touch me there…it’s okay.”  And, “Please.”  I haven’t had a good finger-fucking in sooo long.

Finally, he did.  And then, with my encouragement, he slowly pushed his fingers inside and began the tickling, the stroking, the finger-fucking that I had wanted so badly.  And it was heavenly.  Then, after I had come, he pushed his cock into me from behind and fucked me (twice in one day!) I was thrilled.

But I had to hide the occasional wince as the rings pinched or pulled. It’s not a bad feeling to me, that little bite of pain, but…I knew that we had made significant progress, and I didn’t want to spoil it by letting him see that pain.

But honestly…it makes me sad that I have taken something from him this way. Some pleasure that he used to derive from my body.  Yes, I am sad because I don’t get it the way I used to, but I am not being entirely selfish. I know that he feels…different about what he does, feels some discomfort with it, now. And I hate that. I don’t think it is actual displeasure or dislike–if I did I’d take them out in a heartbeat. W’s and my jollies aren’t a good enough reason to make Ad unhappy, ever. I just think he doesn’t want to hurt me, regardless of if I am okay (or even like) it.

I love my rings.  They bring so much physical, mental and emotional pleasure.  And I love that W loves them.  And I know that Ad gets off on them at times, and that he would never ask me to take them out.  So where’s the balance here?  How do I balance this?  Or do I even need to try?  I just don’t know.

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