Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
Although my first husband and I had some pretty rough sex, and he held my wrists or pinned me down a few times, my first deliberately kinky experience was surprisingly the complete opposite of that: I topped him. Oh, I didn’t know what I was doing was “topping,” and everything I did—even then—was at his request/instruction, but still, I was the one that tied his wrists to the bedposts, that climbed on top of him wearing a black teddy and teased him for about an hour with my nails, mouth and a feather.
I was 19 or 20 at the time, and he asked me to tie him up. I admit to having some cruel thoughts as I did so: he had knocked me down in a fight only the week before for the first time, and though we’d made up, and he was in his “sweet” phase, I think I knew even then that it wouldn’t be the last time he resorted to physical violence. Still, I loved him, and wanted to believe in him…
But as I straddled his body, knowing he was at least nominally helpless, I did have some revenge fantasies.
In the end, I wimped out, and worse, got bored. So he was tied up? What now? It was much more exciting for me when he held my wrists in one of his big hands and pinned me down. Even then, with my minimal knowledge of sexual dynamics, I knew that this wasn’t quite right for me. But still, I didn’t connect it in any way with reality, or with my own sexuality (as in, “Oh, hey, I want to be the one tied down!”) I had read The Beauty Series years before, but that was so far from reality that the fact that this very scenario, with me as the helpless victim, would one day be at the crux of my sexuality, never entered my mind.
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