On Being a “Winner”
So yeah, apparently I am. I was named Top Sex Blogger in this year’s Riverfront Times Web Awards. It’s an honor…but on the other hand, as W said when I told him that I was one of the top 5 nominees, “You mean there’s more than five sex bloggers in St. Louis?” LOL So. “Big” fish (I use that term very tongue in cheek), small pond. Ha.
Honestly, though? Winning this thing (that I didn’t even know existed before last week) makes me a little uncomfortable. I mean, I’m really honored that I was, and did, but…well, that much attention makes me a little (and sometimes a lot) uncomfortable.
I know–”Bullshit, Jade!” you say. “Look at what you write here, look at how you expose yourself, look at the pictures you show, the things you say, how you love to go to events and have the guys do awful things to you in front of all those people! Don’t go trying to say you don’t love the attention. (And if you don’t, what the hell are you doing blogging in public about it?!?)”
And you’d be right. I do love a certain kind of attention: attention from people that I know will at least see what I do for what it is. This is my life. I do this stuff – and write about it – because I love it. I love the Guys, I love the things we do, we are happy and joyful and content and we’re…just us. Part of us is this “freakish” stuff we do…but to us, it isn’t freakish at all.
I don’t write this stuff because I’m a freak. I don’t write it to be a freak-show. I don’t want my blog to be that.
I want it to show…the power and strength and beauty and, yes, sexiness, of what we do, who we are. Fuck, I’m a 46 year old woman with three grown children, and I’m having the best sex of my life.
But I am also living the best life I could imagine, the life of my dreams. I am involved in a deep, abiding, loving relationship with two incredible men. I have a family, and want to teach my children to be good human beings; to love and to allow themselves to be loved; to care; to have open hearts. I struggle like anyone else with self-image issues, with fear and selfishness and longing and unmet potential and anger and sadness. But every day is a fresh start, and I am living my life exactly as I choose, in a world that sometimes values conformity more than it should. I want people to see that part, too.
Not just the “dirty, freaky” pictures.
This is what the RFT had to say about my blog:
“Pieces of Jade is the dirtiest, freakiest sex site out there and, we warn you, not for the squeamish. We’re not sure how the site got its name, but we’re guessing it’s because author “Jade” is so eager to showoff every “piece” of her body (especially the naughty ones) and floridly describe what she’s subjected said pieces to lately.”
You know, I don’t mind being characterized as the “dirtiest, freakiest” sex blog, I suppose. I mean hell, it is a sex blog, and I write about my sex life in the most graphic of terms. And I don’t mind the reference to posting pictures of my body and all the awful/wonderful things that get done to it. But I feel like they kind of missed the point of my blog, by focusing on the spectacle of what it is we do. Don’t get me wrong – I love posting my pictures, and I love knowing that people get off on them. But my blog is about so much more than that. And I hope that the people that come here because they’ve seen the link in the RFT will see that.
Their comment about my name, “Pieces of Jade,” speaks to this misunderstanding perfectly.
The name “Pieces of Jade” is not about how many “pieces” of my body I am “eager” to expose. Pieces of Jade comes from the fact that when I started this blog, 3 or 4 years ago, I started it so that I could write here about this one “piece” of my life in a place that was about this one piece of me, the kink piece, and that alone.
The whole point is that this – what we do, who I am here in these pages and with W and in my sex life – that is just one piece of me. One part of my life. A “Piece” of Jade.
That’s how it started out, anyway. And that’s where the name came from.
It has come to be so much more than that, though. It has become a chronicle of so much more than who I have fucked and when. Of how W uses me, or lets me be used. Of the games we play and the kink we get up to. And if I am to be recognized as a “Top Blogger” of any sort – I want it to be because of that. Because I am unafraid to lay it all out here, the Good, the Bad & the Ugly. The things that work, the things that don’t. The things that I get off on and that get the Guys off. The dynamic within which our relationship lives, and the relationships outside that dynamic.
I hope…that anyone that comes here for the “freak show” will go away understanding that. I don’t imagine that too many will. As Ad said, “People come for the wank material, Jade. If you don’t want to be wank material, don’t post the pictures.” And he’s right…but the truth of the matter is that if people get off on what I write or post…I am okay with that too. Honestly. Hell, probably the main reason I write is to get W off. So I am good with that. But maybe…just maybe a few of them will also see that there’s more to this than just wank material. Than just the freak show.
And if so – then I can live with being a little uncomfortable.