Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
As most of us do, I have some very specific interests and triggers in the world of kink. And as has happened to most of us, those interests and triggers have changed over time. They have expanded, contracted, morphed and blossomed. Oftentimes they have changed dependent upon my play partner’s interests. I don’t apologize for allowing my partner’s kinks to influence mine – for me, it’s part and parcel of being a submissive. Yeah, I’ll say it, I’ve changed to suit my Top. My interests have changed to reflect his. And I don’t consider it a bad thing.
This dynamic – this accepting of and internalizing my partner’s kinks inasmuch as they relate to and enhance my own – is never clearer than in the example of W’s control of my sex.
I have written many times about the games we play and the control he has over my sex life. He tells me who to fuck and when, and I do. He wanted me gangbanged, and I was. He likes to watch me get fucked, whether I want to be or not, so I fuck who he tells me to. It’s incredibly hot to me, because it is the ultimate expression of his control over me – because I truly don’t want to do those things.
I know that seems hard to believe. And it’s not that I don’t like sex (a lot!) or want to have sex with strange or other men. I do, and even seek out other partners on my own occasionally. But those situations are usually about BDSM, not about sex. Sex is a part of it, because BDSM is inherently sexual for me, but I don’t (usually) seek out partners just for sex. And even if/when I do, I do it because I know it will turn W on. That is ALWAYS there, and that is what makes it hot for me. (Seeking out a BDSM play partner is much more about what *I* want than seeking out a sex partner. Sex (with other men) is always *always* about W.) And that is because he has made it so.
Rape play is another example of that. I can see now that I have always gotten off on “coerced” sex, but never to the degree (or with the understanding of that kink) as I have now. So yes, my perspective on sex has changed, and his fantasies have influenced my own, and influenced my own sexuality to the point that I no longer know where his end and my own begin. And I’m okay with that.
Regardless of the details of how that works, though, of the mechanics, the heart of what I want and need in kink hasn’t changed. It’s always been about control, about being controlled. How that is manifested may change. I may be in a strict D/s relationship in which my daily life is controlled; I may be in a looser relationship in which control is exerted in very specific situations; the way we play and the types of play may change, say with or without rope, with or without mental domination, with different tools and different play styles, but the core of my interest in kink hasn’t ever really wavered from the need and desire to be controlled.