KOTW – Roleplay: W’s Perspective


This week W decided to write something for the Kink of the Week – lucky me! I absolutely LOVE reading his thoughts on kink, and I hope you will enjoy this as much as I did. He approached the topic in a completely different way than I would have (and might still, if I can get my ass in gear and write something soon) and managed to surprise and delight me with how articulate and perceptive he is. I do hope he will share more in future.

But now, enough of my gushing! Read on and see what you think. ;-)



Does anyone remember the old marketing phrase, “Is it real, or is it Memorex?”

This phrase comes to mind when I think about role play.  And it sometimes concerns me a bit. More on that in a minute.

As a top I don’t consider myself much of a role player.  In most encounters with my partner, what we do mostly transpires in real life without the embellishment of costume or scripted vocabulary.  But I can’t deny the value and effect that role play has had on my development as a kinky person. Harking back to childhood I enthusiastically assumed the role of cowboy, especially if there was even the most remote possibility that any Indian maidens might be tied up in the process.  But it was much later in life that these excursions into fantasy became so much more enjoyable.  In fact the occasional fantasy has opened my eyes as to what could indeed become reality.

I encourage full-grown adults to engage in role play. First of all, it’s a blast. You haven’t lived until you’ve been a whiskey-swigging redneck sheriff supervising high-heeled girls doing chain gang road maintenance.  It took me over an hour to get out of character after filming one such skit for a friend. Through role play I’ve discovered all sorts of kinky pastimes that I might never have considered were it not for the game. Pony play comes to mind. Recently in helping a friend film a ransom skit, an exceptional amount of quiet time was required, leaving her alone to stew and struggle. The lack of intervention was exquisite and has inspired me to play in ways I might not have previously considered.

But more importantly for me is what I’ve discovered about myself and what I’ve discovered about my partners during these role-playing games. It’s surprising what turns us on and the twists and turns the mind takes along the way. Fantasy games are a great way to communicate – especially early on in a relationship. The school girl might communicate how bad she truly is during that paddling at the teacher’s desk, and that Arabian princess might quite like the feel of those chains as she’s lead to market. There’s no doubt in my mind why Halloween has become such a popular adult holiday. Role play can provide a subtle means of communication. A way to test the waters in certain ways while still providing the means to gracefully backtrack if our partner doesn’t send back the right signals.

But you better be prepared. If your fantasies turn a dark corner they can lead to some interesting places. Places that polite society doesn’t let us travel. I’ve learned more about some aspects of human nature playing kinky games than I did over the course of years of conventional socialization. Adult games allow us to explore situations we wouldn’t normally consider.

You see, it turns out some girls don’t mind going home with welts rising from their thighs. Some get wet when you call them filthy names. More than once I’ve been shocked when long after the game has ended my partner whispered “I loved it when your hand was around my neck,” or “you could have left me laying on that cold floor a lot longer.”

So is it real, or is it Memorex?

When I tie a girl up and whip her…when I loan her out to be fucked by a stranger…when I slap her on the face as she lies kneeling on a concrete floor with her wrists tied behind her back.  Am I a sadist? Am I a misogynist? Am I a disgusting creature who should be shunned? If I get hard while I’m doing it – and we have burning hot sex later – or during…? Am I doing it because I like it, or she likes it, or both? Am I that person or am I playing a role?

As a role player I can be quite good at my job. I can be very convincing. And I get great satisfaction out of that as long as it is making my partner hot. As long as the experience I give to her is rewarding in its entirety. I know where the distinction lies. I  know who I am. But then, do you – the observer – know where the role ends and the real me begins? Does she? If I’m that good at my role, how does the world perceive me as a person?

The truth is not always as it appears. And that sometimes bothers me. But that is one of the  burdens of being a top. And one of the joys of playing on the edge. If I’m a rock star in her world, I care less about how I appear in yours.

Check out all the rest Getting Their Kink On! over at the Kink of the Week blog, below.


  1. Morgan

    Wow. Where to start? Your post is incredibly articulate and thought-provoking, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I feel the need to reread it several times and attempt to answer, in my head, all the significant questions you pose. I have read some other role-play posts and kept thinking, “I don’t recall any role-play fantasies from childhood or adolescence the way some people do.” And then you mentioned Halloween. I LOVE Halloween. I love wearing costumes and really going to great lengths to make the character perfect and real. It never occurred to me to stay in character for the sex. Makes me wonder… But I love the way you write, “Am I doing it because I like it, or she likes it, or both? Am I that person or am I playing a role?” I think this is what bothers me about role-play. I don’t want it to be role-play! I want to BELIEVE it is real, so badly, especially if it involves me being dominated in some way. And I have a really hard time with that because the whole time I keep asking myself the same questions: Is he doing it because I like it, or he likes it, or both? Is he that person or is he playing a role? And where does that leave me in all this?!
    I love when posts make me confused and leave me with questions – the questions are often more important than the answers – thank you!

    1. Jade Post author

      Hi Morgan,

      I so completely get what you are saying when you say, “I want it to be REAL!” That’s exactly how I feel. And, for me, the “role” I play as submissive IS real, it IS me. It isn’t “role-play” any more than being female or bisexual is roleplay.

      But as I read everyone’s posts on this, I realized that W and I DO “roleplay” in other ways. Somewhat obliquely, when I play “sexretary” to his Boss, and overtly, when we do ponyplay. So…it’s there. I find it interesting that he seems to struggle a bit with the “role” he plays as sadist and Dominant, and where the role ends and the real him begins. But that is perhaps a discussion for another post.

      Thank you for your thought-provoking reply!

  2. Bunny

    How articulate and lovely. It really is nice to encourage people to explore their fantasies and it is always nice that RP allows you to experience things without committing too hard.

    1. Jade Post author

      Before W brought that up – using roleplay to experience something you might want to try in a non-threatening way – I never thought of it being used that way. Amazing that you can be with a person for more than five years and still be surprised by them. :-)

  3. Marie Rebelle

    As I said in my post, we are totally not into roleplay, but after reading your post, I wonder whether we should not try out some situations. I don’t think we will, but it’s good to think about it, think it through and get it out there for discussion. Thanks for this thought provoking post :)

    Rebel xox

    1. Jade Post author

      Thanks Rebel! It’s given me some food for thought as well, and for discussion with W too, I am sure!

  4. KaziG

    So insightful and you ask yourself some great questions! I do remember the quote (am I dating myself?) and I definitely prefer to keep it real in real time (that said, I had my best fun role playing online :) ). Thank you for giving us the Top perspective!

    ~Kazi xxx


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