Kink of the Week – Collars

On the airplane.

When I was thinking about the topic for this week’s KOTW, I admit to resisting this one a bit. The fact that it had been requested by three different people made it an obvious choice, as did knowing the popularity of it in the kink scene, and after having posted a topic that was quite a bit more “fringe” the week before, well, I figured something a little less esoteric might be in order.

So why my own resistance to it?

I’ve talked about collars and their symbolism before. I wore an “everyday” collar during the time that The Ex and I were attempting full-time D/s, a simple, beaded choker that we’d purchased together at a mall store. Nothing expensive or especially ornate, just something that I could wear every day – but it made me happy and always aware of that bond between us when we were apart.  We had also had a “play” collar, even when we were just doing bedroom BDSM.  It was a special part of the ritual of going from our regular husb/wife, lovers, partners roles into D/s space.  When he told me to go to the bedroom and “prepare myself,” or when we were getting ready to scene or go to a kink event, my play collar was part of those preparations. I loved the feel of his hands buckling it around my neck, the smell of the leather, the feel of it snug around my throat. I was never allowed to remove it, either, only he was, and sometimes he would allow or make me wear it all the way home from a play party, and even to sleep in it. Just reading about Anna Sky’s similar ritual when she and her husband are going to play made me ache for it and miss it all over again, just as acutely as I had after he and I split up. To me, being “collared” meant something very real and tangible, and signified something between us that was both intensely private and yet, also, something to wear with pride.

It’s hard to be a submissive that loves rituals to a Top who does not care much about them. I have even tried to create that ritual in small ways myself, making my own collar (my “chain”) and wearing it when I was with W. I guess I had hoped that he would see how much it meant to me and start telling me to wear it, but that never happened, so although I still wear it occasionally, it doesn’t have the power that a true collar would have.  It just looks kind of cool.  ;-)  But the fact of the matter is, sometimes it makes me more depressed than not having one at all.  So the topic of collars – in the context of a symbol and my own relationship – makes me a little sad, to be honest.

Sometimes I wish I could just let go of the desire for ritual and symbolism. W has helped to assuage those needs in small ways that feel natural to him, and they help and give me great pleasure, but I know that my own need for it sometimes makes him sad, too, because he can no more make himself feel the need for it than I can not feel it.  So, we muddle through, each of us doing the best we can, and coming to a place somewhere in the middle of both our needs.

On the other hand (and on a less personal note) having someone put a collar on for play is always a turn on, symbolism (or lack there-of) aside. Quixotically, rather than the contented and almost prideful feelings that wearing a collar as a symbol of ownership evokes, a collar during play means the exact opposite. I can be yanked around by it, tied to the floor like a dog with it, chained to a post. It can be part of bondage, and very much plays into the “subjugated” headspace. It also means ownership, but in a much more visceral and objectifying way. I am chattel, I am an owned body, I am not my own while the collar is on. I also like the thrill of having it tight around my throat – like a corset it is perpetual breath play, restricting and confining me even if the Top has not laid a hand on me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever wear a “real” collar again, and what that would mean. Until then, I suppose I will have to settle for those occasional playtimes when someone decides to use one in play. It’s not a bad compromise. ;-)
Kink of the Week


  1. April

    Hi there… I’m a new follower and wanted you to know I’ve very much enjoyed reading all the content on your website, as well as appreciated it, being new in the lifestyle.

    This particular post prompted me to reply.

    My Sir has said I’m in training and could possibly earn wearing His collar, but in the meantime He uses a training collar on me. I cannot even begin to describe the reaction my body has when He begins the ritual of latching it around my throat. His fingers brushing over my neck, that smell of leather, as well as the close proximity of His face to mine… I can feel His breath on my lips. He just has my entire body all tied up inside during those couple of minutes!

    I just wanted to share and show my appreciation.

    Much respect,

  2. ancilla ksst

    I have an every night ritual centered around collars. I have a necklace-style collar that I wear every day when out and about, and denotes Master’s ownership of me. Then I have a leather collar I wear at night. Every evening at bedtime Master sends me up ahead of him to wait, and I switch the collars myself, then kneel on the floor to wait for him. I enjoy this very much, but the occasional times when he puts the collar on me for play are especially delicious. Feeling his hands on my neck is a sensual experience.

  3. Bunny

    *hugs* I can image that if a collar is so key to one relationship that it would be hard to not desire it in another one. I think there is just something appealing about a tangible item that says that no matter where you are in the world, you belong to someone be that a wedding ring or a collar.

    Someday maybe again but for now that which makes you happy and unites you to those you love can be your collar :)

  4. Molly

    I can’t image a life without my collar or being with someone who didn’t get the same kick out of me wearing it as I do, but then I read your blog Jade and you have SOOOOO much with ‘W’ that is powerful, sexy, magical. You always looks so happy and full of life, maybe you do have collar really, just not a physical one that we all see but the one you show here time and again as you share everything you and ‘W’ have together.


    1. Jade Post author

      Thank you so much, Molly, and you are, of course, absolutely correct…I may not have a physical collar, but I most certainly have one around my heart. ;-)

  5. Malflic

    After seeing the topic and recalling your post about making your own collar became very curious as to where you’d head on this one.

    From the outside I think part of the beauty of your relationship is that both of you do your best to accept the others needs without compromising who you are.

  6. SubReiSkyeM

    Reading your post made me feel a little sad. I can’t really imagine what it would be like to not wear or have a collar in my relationship. Like you, it often feels like something I need. For this reason, I find it amazing that you and W can muddle along together when your needs clash.

    It helps that other play partners use a collar on you, though. That is the very reason that I have collars intended just for play; it helps to contextualise myself in the scene more easily.

    Regardless of whether you get another “real” collar or not, I hope everything continues to go smoothly for you both!

    1. Jade Post author

      ~smile~ Learning to accept each other’s needs, even when they don’t mirror are own, and to help each other get those needs met in other ways (if necessary) is one of the things W and I do well. And I didn’t mean to imply he doesn’t use collars on me in play – he most assuredly does on occasion (yumm!) I think he enjoys them in play as well. It’s the *other* kind that he doesn’t engage in, the symbolic kind. But even though he doesn’t want me to wear a collar or symbol of ownership, he definitely understands and appreciates what it means to me, and many times he will comment that I *do* have a symbol of sorts – ten of them (my cunt rings.) ;-)

  7. Marie Rebelle

    Just like Molly, I cannot think about being without my collar and I can understand that you miss it a lot. But, you have a wonderful relationship with W and even though it’s without a collar, you are owned :)

    Rebel xox


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