Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
I’m not sure if this question was meant to be about the occasional bits of online “play” that most people that have any online interactions with each other will inevitably get up to, or about online-only relationships. Guess I’ll talk a little about both.
For the latter, I coincidentally saw part of a TV show with my daughter called Catfish the other day, and then, completely unconnected to that, read this article in The Guardian when it was pointed out by Ruby of Erotic Notebook on Facebook. Both of them dealt with the phenomena of creating false identities on dating sites and in social media in order to fool the people they are “dating” online. You know, the old story of the 22-year-old hot-to-trot blonde babe you’re having a sexy chat with turns out to be a 50-year-old stringy-haired fat man living in his parent’s basement. The situations in the TV show and in the article are a lot more perfidious than that, but in an OK Cupid survey referenced in the Guardian article, and that I had seen before, it was shown that the majority of people lie in some way – about their height, weight, age, income, etc. – in their profiles.
Frankly I am always baffled by that, and even more so when those people actually meet the person that they have been lying to. Did they really think that the other person wouldn’t notice that they are 5’8″ and weigh 250 lbs, and not 6′ and 180? Or that they are 15 years older than they claim in their profile? Or that the high-profile job in public relations that they claim to have is actually clerking at a convenience mart? What’s the use of bothering to meet up when you’ve set up an untenable situation like that? I mean, no amount of online attraction is going to overcome being lied to like that.
At least I don’t think it is. According to the Catfish show, I might be wrong about that. Some of those people still choose to continue on with people that have lied to them (and to be fair, the lies aren’t all dealbreakers, even for me.) Everyone wants to be loved, to be desired, to have relationships – sometimes enough to overlook things that I or someone else might not. I guess we all have our lives to live.
But anyway, on to the topic at hand. Or maybe that is part of the topic. Because I think that is the part of online BDSM relationships that make them actually work for some people: it’s a fantasy. If you only ever see this person online, or talk to them on the phone perhaps, or maybe in pictures and in chat or on cam, they can be whatever you – or they – imagine. And maybe that could work for some people, and be hot. Personally, I couldn’t do it, or at least enough to fool myself into thinking it’s a relationship – I need real, human contact. But for some people, I guess it could substitute for the real thing. I just don’t think it is the “real” thing. (Hopefully I haven’t pissed off a big ole chunk of my readers. If I have, sorry about that, but I’m answering the question. Feel free to answer it for yourself in your own blog if you feel differently.)
On the other hand, online play is something a bit different. I have had a couple of Tops that I played with in real life that supplemented our RL interactions with online play, either via chat, email or text, and that was a lot of fun. It kept us both at a low simmer and stoked our anticipation for when we could see each other in real life, and also reinforced the dynamic of the relationship when in-person interactions were not possible. The key being that it supplemented our RL interactions. I don’t think I could have an online-only relationship and take it seriously in any real way, and honestly even those interactions I did engage in online wore thin after awhile. There’s only so much self-pleasuring I can do while I imagine him doing things to me before I want him to really be doing things to me. And I am not good at, nor interested in, self-play. For me it’s all about someone doing things to me, so me deciding to put clothespins on myself does nothing sexually for me (and sure as hell doesn’t feel like BDSM or submission.) Now him texting me before bed and telling me to put clothespins on and then fuck myself – that would be hot. But only in the short term, and as an addition to what we were already doing when we did see each other in the flesh.
For the rest of my answers to the 30 Days of Kink meme, click here.