#KOTW – Marks

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From my Kink of the Week post this week:

How do you feel about getting or giving marks? Do you treasure them, or can you take or leave them? Are the marks you get (or give) part of your kink, and have some deeper meaning, or just an outcome of what you do?

 

Or perhaps marks are something to be avoided or hidden, or that cause embarrassment. Or maybe you just don’t like them.

 

Do you consider yourself a “marks fetishist”?  Do you desire them, negotiate for scenes that will cause them, or are maybe even feel disappointed if you don’t get (or give) them? Are getting or causing marks, or the sight of marks on your body or the body of the person you play with, arousing to you?

 

Are marks sexy? Are they a badge of honor? Do you poke at them, sigh over them, look at them in the mirror, maybe even take pictures of them?

 

What about those of you with multiple relationships or play partners? Does that affect whether you give or get marks, or how, when or where?

I have to admit that I love looking at my marks in the days following a scene. I love to poke at them and look at them in the mirror, and when I accidentally bump into them the next day, I am reminded all over again of the scene that caused them. Sometimes, as after my Watermelon scene, they are badges of honor, but mostly they are a private way for me to relive, all over again, those intense moments, the intimacy, of the scene. I feel sad as they begin to fade, and look forward to the next time that we will play again, so I can get new ones.  That said, I don’t mark easily, or at least they don’t last long. It takes a bit of work for the Guys to bruise my butt! So when I do get them, yeah, I kind of sigh over them, and catching sight of them accidentally in the mirror, or when I am sitting here at work, makes me grin.  Ad likes them too – he loves to poke, prod and grope them when I come home marked up by W.

I don’t think we’ve ever played deliberately to give me marks, though. That’s never been the point of scene.  In fact, W isn’t all that comfortable giving me marks in places that they might be seen, and for good reason. No one wants others to mistake consensual bruises or marks for non-consensual ones. So he is usually cautious, especially in the summer, because he is concerned about me wearing summer dresses or a swimsuit that might reveal marks on my legs, neck or arms. “It’s okay,” I always say, because I want him to do the things that cause the marks! I don’t care if strangers see marks on me.  But I can understand his reticence. No one wants to be thought of as an abuser, and I would never want anyone to think that of him or Ad either.

The other day I had something happen that, upon reflection, has made me a little uneasy though.  I had leftover, yellowing marks on the backs of my legs from play we had done at Tryst. I knew about one that was on the front of my upper thigh (I had been mooning over it since we’d gotten back), but didn’t realize I had several down the backs of my thighs as well. Usually if I get marks they are covered by my dresses or shorts, and any that are on my calves can be easily explained by hiking.  Since my run-ins with skin cancer, I don’t do the pool-and-sun thing anymore – so normally the bruises wouldn’t have been an issue. But then my daughter came over and asked me to spend some time with her at the pool (properly slathered with sunscreen.)  Without thinking about it I said “sure.”  It was the applying of the sunscreen that got me: she insisted on making sure I was thoroughly covered with the stuff, and when I turned over onto my belly so she could put it on my back, she saw them.

“Momma!” she said, “What did you do? You’ve got bruises on your legs!”

I’ve been wondering for awhile now when and if she was going to ask about kink. I’ve told her that my blog deals with sex and kink, and that I write erotica that deals with it, but the specific topic hasn’t come up. I wondered if that moment had come. I figured if she had an inkling about what “kinky” really meant when I referred to my sex life and writing, that now was the time she would make a comment or an innuendo of some sort. But she didn’t.

I should have said something then, but I just wasn’t ready to have that talk with her. “It must have been when I was camping last weekend,” I said. She seemed to take that at face value. “You should be more careful,” she said. “Bruising that easily can be a sign of low iron in your blood. You need to remember to take those vitamins I told you about.” And she frowned at me with her patented “you need to take better care of yourself” look. (I get that a lot. She’s very protective of her momma.)  And that was that. I don’t think she thought anything more about it.

But the incident made me think about it a lot since it happened.  I don’t care what strangers think. I care a lot about what she thinks, though, especially in terms of my relationship with the Guys. It’s important to me that she sees what a strong, positive relationship we have.  I believe she does – and I don’t want anything to damage that.

Although we have discussed the difference between abuse and BDSM in general discussions, we haven’t spoken about what that looks like in a real relationship. We haven’t discussed what “being kinky” means in regards to my sex life specifically, because I’d rather discuss it when and if she asks about it, than to force her to hear more than she wants. I don’t believe for a moment that she thinks either of the Guys abuse me (or that the thought has even crossed her mind) but I don’t want there to ever be a moment when she worries about it…so, I may have to bring up the topic myself.  Because I know there will be other bruises, other marks. And I want her to know that they aren’t abuse.

Click the link below to find out what the Kink of the Week is all about, read the other great posts on the topic, or to add your own post to the list!

Kink of the Week

Comments

  1. Anna Sky

    One of the (many) things that keeps me and S in the kink closet is the thought of what people would say about S if they knew what we did. The idea that our friends and family wouldn’t see the consent, but just think of him as abusing me is horrible. Recently, we went to an erotica event where we got to meet a couple of people that I tweet with. It was great to meet them, but even though they only knew me by the name I blog under and nothing about the ‘real life’ me, I was still concerned of what they’d think of S. It means that we’re super careful about where he leaves marks – a “for your eyes only” if you like!

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      ~nodding~ I have a sister that I used to be very close to. She moved away for two years, and in that time my Ex and I started exploring BDSM. When she came back I was completely open with her about it, because I didn’t want her to see something and think it was abuse.

      Reply
  2. Marie Rebelle

    I can only imagine how you must have felt when your daughter saw the marks. Master T and I have long decided that if the kids ask any kinds of questions regarding our kink, we will answer it truthfully, but I wonder if I would be able to have ´that´ talk with my daughter if she asks about my bruises. I think it will be very difficult.

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      I think it will actually be less difficult than you might imagine, in some ways. She and I are very open and talk about *everything* so I do not think talking about BDSM will be much different, in that respect. The difficulty will lie in talking about *my* sex life in specifics, as it relates to BDSM. But that will be absolutely necessary as I want her to know that this is – in spite of how it looks when you see the bruises – about love, respect, and pleasure.

      I wish you luck for when that time comes for you!

      Reply
  3. SasyCat

    I love how you are handling your lifestyle with your daughter. My kids are grown, I hid only the darkest & dirtiest of my adventures from them. I was open with them & they have always come to me with questions or concerns even their partners came to me for advice.
    Kids know more than we want to admit, especially when we have live “differently” from their friends. I think you’re doing a great job, trust me when i say you’ll know when it’s time to have that “talk.”
    A very very sincere & open post, thanks for letting me peek into your life. :)

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      Thank you so much for your comment! I love to hear about others of “us” (the “different” ones) who have raised children successfully. To know that it *can* be done. And that maybe I am doing it right. ;-)

      I so love that my children feel they can be open and talk to me about everything – and oh my goodness they do! I am sure when the time comes to talk about this we will negotiate our way thru it, as we have done with all the other talks. :-)

      Reply
  4. SassyCat

    oh man, i had a great comment written & something happened when i clicked and everything disappeared – UGH!

    Thanks for allowing me to peek into your world through this sincere & open post. Trust me when i say that kids tend to know more than we want to admit, especially when they have a “different” home life than their friends. I was open with my kids, leaving out the darkest & dirtiest of adventures. Same as i don’t wanna know theirs. You’ll know when she’s ready for that “talk”…something just clicks…and ya know. Great share Jade!

    Reply
  5. KaziG

    Since both Sir and I have real needs to keep it all discreet, He’s careful to mark me only in places that can be covered by clothing. The kids and Taz know me as a huge klutz anyway which definitely helps! :D

    ~Kazi xxx

    Reply
  6. Malflic

    It’s a fine line of when to share what. The Blonde and I were on vacation a few years back and she ended up black and blue from her upper thighs and her entire backside with not a spot unmarked ironically not from playing but from a very aggressive deep tissue massage. I literally had her show them to her mom and the kids and explain it so no one would panic and still spent the rest of the week worried someone might see her marks at the pool and call the cops.

    She said I was paranoid and still insists her lower back wasn’t tight for six months. It was fun poking and swatting the bruises even though I hadn’t caused them.

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      I’ve actually had light bruising from a deep massage by a PT once…might work for an excuse if I need it. ;-)

      I can understand your anxiety tho and don’t think it’s all that paranoid – tho truthfully most people in the ‘nilla world probably wouldn’t go there (abuse) for leg bruising (I have heard about people thinking a person was in a car accident more often.) It’s just sort of out of their ken – and why i don’t think Missy went there herself when she saw mine. Facial bruising or arms tho, THAT oftentimes looks like abuse, and will probably be when I finally have to come clean.

      Reply
  7. Molly

    ” but mostly they are a private way for me to relive, all over again, those intense moments, the intimacy, of the scene. I feel sad as they begin to fade, and look forward to the next time that we will play again, so I can get new ones.” THIS! This is me too….

    I am curious as to the age of your daughter. I try to be honest and open with my children in an age appropriate way. I know the day will come one day when I have to explain about kink and marks in more detail but for now they are still too young for this information. I agree with you that it will be a tricky subject, maybe the hardest one we have ever dealt with in regards to sex and relationships and but I will not shy away from it when the times come. I have always believed that I own them truth, honesty and information.

    Mollyxxx

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      She just turned twenty-one. And yes, that is EXACTLY how I have raised all my children (my youngest is 17.)

      Reply
  8. Angelia

    To me marks are like a war wound–Im proud of what I endured…conquered the challenge…I see them as a reflection of my inner strength. I also love and adore the deliverer of the marks because its a reflection of the thought and attention that went into the scene. Tangible tokens of the love, enegry ,thoughtfulness and creativity that went into creating the marks.

    Reply

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