This morning I read a post over on Rebel’s Notes titled Submitting to His Will. In it, she talks about the struggle she sometimes has with submitting to her husband/Master during play, and talks about the fact that it is sometimes easier to submit to another Master with whom she plays occasionally. From what I can tell, she is speaking primarily of submitting to pain play, of accepting the pain that he wants her to endure during a session, and not psychological submission, say, to her Master’s desire for her to behave in a certain way or obey certain rules.
Her post stayed with me long after I read it, though I wasn’t sure exactly why. Then I realized, after having a somewhat difficult discussion with Ad, what it was that resonated in me about her post and feelings. I have been having a similar struggle in regards to playing with Ad. Well, similar and dissimilar, since my relationship with Ad and W, and my dynamic with each, is obviously quite different than hers. But the heart of my issue has to do with being able to and desiring to submit to one of them, but having a struggle in finding that place of acceptance and submission with the other.
I find myself somewhat at a crossroads in my play relationship with Ad. I actually have three distinct playstyles going on in my BDSM play: the deeply connective, deeply submissive and oftentimes harder and/or darker kinds of play that W and I engage in; Ad’s and my occasional spanking and/or sex play sessions, which tend to be of short duration and are almost exclusively instigated by me; and the play that W, Ad and I do when they double-Top me, which can be intense physically, but is usually lighter in tone, with much less depth than my play with W, and quite a bit more aggressive than play with Ad. Because W and I have a much more rounded BDSM relationship, we also engage in lighter, more playful interactions fairly often, but Ad and I seldom go into harder play, and never into the darker places that W and I sometimes venture. I also find that Ad’s and my play is lighter emotionally as well. W’s and my relationship was forged within a BDSM framework, and we connect most deeply when in that space; Ad’s and my relationship has always been one of friendship and fun and so our kinky play is infused with that as well.
With both men, I feel comfortable “fighting back” at times. W and I do a lot of resistance/coercion play, bordering on rape play. However, because I am deeply submissive to him, and it is my natural reaction to him to submit, it takes me stepping outside that headspace to engage in this kind of play, and thus is usually instigated by me doing just that in the midst of play or sex. He almost always comes at sex and play from the headspace of subjugation – that’s just where he lives in BDSM – whereas I come at it from a similar mindset as Marie: deeply desiring to submit to him, to please him, to give in and to obey (even if I don’t always succeed in doing so.) This in and of itself can present something of a conflict, and sets up the potential for some unmet desires on W’s part: he wants to subjugate his partner/overcome her resistance – and thus needs to have a partner that will fight/resist. (Not always, but this is a strong kink of his.) In order to meet that need of his, I have had to allow myself to be that person, the one that doesn’t submit, and to let the “fighter” in me come out occasionally.
Note that I said I have to “allow” myself to be that person. Not that I have to act like that person, or play a part, but that I have to allow that previously-squashed part of myself the permission to show herself. I think this is an important distinction for a couple of reasons:
- I don’t ever want to be in a relationship in which I have to fake it, whatever “it” might be; and
- W is alarmingly astute and perceptive when it comes to reading someone, and would not tolerate (I don’t believe) a relationship in which the other person wasn’t being true to themselves.
So this other side of myself, the one that resists occasionally (she is also the one that pushes, pokes & brats) is a part of me. Allowing her to react is what does not come easy to me. As I said in this post, submitting to his desires is my natural place to be, and where I feel most…settled. Interestingly it was actually through that desire to please that I discovered the “fighter” inside. I wanted to please W, I knew that he…appreciates a woman with a little “spirit” (LOL) so one day, when we were playing, I let myself react in a combative way, physically resisting him, when that desire came over me (always before I had squashed the inclination in my need to obey and submit.) The results were explosive. I loved it, he loved it, and I found a safe place to let that out. I found that it was safe to let that out. He would not abuse me or hold it against me. He liked it. And so we had another realm of play to explore.
But whether we are doing coercion play or I am submitting to him, our play tends to be more serious than my play with Ad. Ad is fun, and oftentimes silly, during play. He laughs and teases and I can totally fight back, but not in a serious or “rape play” mode…he could never and would never play in that kind of headspace. I feel perfectly comfortable bratting and sassing him. His and my play looks more like this…
…than like this:
It was Ad that was hitting me with the ends of the reins, but it was W (who was taking pics) that had told me to stay still and spread my legs. It was W I was submitting to, Ad I was playing with. But see what an awful lot of fun that was? I love love LOVED it. And while the kind of play that I do (did?) with Ad may be light and fun, as opposed to “deep,” it’s still as important to me as the deeper stuff. I need that in my life as much as the darker, edgier play.
And I miss it.
Because that is what is at the heart of this post: Ad and I haven’t been playing lately. And I don’t know how to fix it, or how to change it.
It all started because he started playing “harder” occasionally. I like a good hard scene, and I can take a lot when W is behind the whip – but that is because I know W as well as I do. And I know he knows what he is doing, that he knows how intensely he is playing, and when to push and when to back off. He knows me, and I trust him to hurt me, not to harm me.
The fact of the matter is that Ad doesn’t know me in that space. He knows me in this other space, where we laugh and have fun and I’m not really submitting to him, but playing with him. But…I don’t really trust him enough to submit to him. I don’t trust that he knows what he is doing, or how it affects me. Or when something is “good” pain vs “bad”.
But the thing is, if he wants to go there, to play on a harder edge, I want to go there with him, for him. I’m willing to, because I love him and want to see his desires as fulfilled as mine, as W’s. But I can’t just step blindly off that cliff. It needs to happen slowly, over time, as we build a relationship like that between us. It can’t just happen overnight.
And truthfully? It may not happen at all. I just don’t know if I can play that way with him, if I can be that way with him. I’m willing to try, but…submission isn’t something that you can just do.
When we talked about it though, he got defensive and hurt. And then…he just stopped playing with me. I’ve asked him to, I’ve told him how much I miss it, I’ve told him how much I love all the things that I do enjoy him doing: wax play, fire cupping, spankings, wrestling, clothespins, these nasty elastics he has. The two-on-one play that he and W do. And the sex play (he loves using sex toys on me, something that W just doesn’t do unless I ask for it.) I so miss that kind of play with him! I want to do those things with him – and, if he truly wants it, I am willing to play in other ways, a little bit at a time, as we explore this new place that he wants to go and we learn about each other in that kind of play.
One of the things that I love about Ad’s impact on W’s and my relationship is that W has grown and expanded as well. He is not only The Mean Guy, he also teases and plays with me and can be just as lighthearted. His true kink is still in that darker space: that is where he is most fulfilled, kinkwise. But he has found that he can also embrace the lighter side, and it has largely been Ad’s influence that has given him that. And that is why I am willing to go there with Ad, if he wants that: none of us are single-note. I want him to feel fulfilled, and explore all that he is and wants to be. I hope that he chooses to do so.