Sometimes I wonder about the “one(s) that got away.” The girls I have loved and lost, or thrown away, or driven away. There have been a few, some that I am still friends with (and whose lives I can follow a bit) and some who are around but like ghosts, like shadows at the edge of my consciousness, and some who seem to be – or are – gone forever. Where are they now, I wonder; are they happy, their dreams fulfilled, their lives complete without me? Do they ever think about me, wonder where I am, if I am happy, if I am complete without them, these girls that I loved and lost?
Or did I ever love them at all?
I thought I did, so I must have, right? I mean, I am the one thinking it, feeling it, so it must be genuine, it must real, it must be true.
Or is love only true that doesn’t go away?
That’s a rhetorical question – I don’t believe it for a second. But I always find it odd when people say that: “I thought I was in love with her,” as though because they aren’t in love now, that negates what he/she felt then.
People talk about puppy love, or being “in lust,” or as we do in kink-land, being in “sub-frenzy,” and even being in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and are very careful to quantify that as “not love.” Why are we so afraid to love? To say it, to feel it, to do it.
Love. LOVE. Just do it. Just feel it.
Yeah, it might suck when you don’t feel it anymore, or worse when they don’t feel it anymore. But guess what – everything passes. And you will have had those moments when you felt love. To me, that’s worth the “risk.” As Leonardo da Vinci said, “Life without love, is no life at all.”
A good friend recently wrote an article about something he calls “Mature Relationship Energy” (MRE). I’m not sure how it relates to the above, except that it talks about the ways in which we love each other, and what that love looks like – in this case, love in established, mature relationships. He talks about how it is difficult at times to find loving, sexy mature relationships (relationships of a certain longevity) portrayed in the media, and how most of how we discuss relationships that are out of the NRE stage are often seen as “lacking” in comparison. I wholeheartedly disagree with that characterization, and like that he has taken the time to write about what makes mature, established relationships good. (Yeah, so go on, read it, I’ll be here when you get back. It’s worth the detour.) :-)
I have never gotten to experience MRE with a female lover. I have had long-lasting friendships develop out of those brief, blinding-hot sexual-and-love liaisons, and those are certainly worthwhile, but I wonder what my life would be like now if any of those relationships had developed into longer lasting ones.
Also, just now, I am missing the feel and touch and essence of a woman, of the particular way they love and interact, of that deep connection that can come between two women in love. The truth is, when I have been given the opportunity to explore that, since the last time it happened and ended so ignominiously (as much my fault as anyone’s) I have shied away. Do I really want to go there? Do I really want to take that chance, that risk? I have two wonderful relationships in my life, relationships that resound with healthy, sexy, strong and vibrant MRE: do I want to risk the balance I have found to explore something new?
I don’t know. But if I say “no,” then I am doing exactly what I say not to do up there: denying myself the richness and fullness of experience.
Of course this is all philosophical musing at the moment. I don’t have, nor is there the possibility of, any girl love on the horizon. But I can think about it, turn over the possibilities in my mind, let those feelings of nostalgia and melancholy wash over me. They are all part of my experience, all part of me, even the sad parts, and I treasure them, bittersweet though they may be.
(This post brought to you by my friend Brandelle’s Thursday question on Facebook: “What do you love today?” So what do you love today?)