When I first saw this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt, “nude,” the first thing I thought about was not taking one’s clothes off. Or, maybe it was the first thing, but nudity doesn’t actually interest me all that much, to be honest. Being naked, in the sense of being emotionally exposed and vulnerable, though…yeah, that does. That’s why I’m here, after all. That’s why I tell you all this stuff, why I share (and possibly overshare.) That is what makes this space work for me, it’s one of the biggest reasons I do it. I get enormous emotional release and satisfaction from being able to allow myself the absolute freedom of being vulnerable on such a (potentially) wide scale, and yet also feeling safe, here behind the keyboard.
Of course that safety can be an illusion, and perhaps is. I anticipate exploring that a bit in the Round Table that Molly and I are going to be doing at EroticonUSA in less than a month’s time, when we talk about the (sometimes) collision between who we are here and what we write about, and “real” life, out there in the meat world.
(Oh, and speaking of which, stay tuned for a call on my blog to post your own thoughts/questions/ideas about that before we head to the convention!)
So that was what I was planning to talk about…until I started to give it a bit more thought.
Nudity makes me feel vulnerable. My clothing is my armor, a way to hide parts of me that…well…I don’t necessarily want you to see. My lumps and bulges, stretch marks and scars, wrinkles and signs of age…
I go to outdoor kink events in which nudity is permitted (and reveled in) and hang out naked all day around other people who are partially or fully clothes-free as well, and feel…well, I don’t know what I feel. It’s complicated. I love the feel of the fresh air and sun on my naked skin. I love not having to cover myself up, but do I feel comfortable in my nudity?
No, not really. And even less so when I see pictures of myself naked.
So why do I do it? Why do I get naked in front of people, why do I allow naked pictures of myself, why (oh why!?!) do I post them here??
For the same reason I expose myself emotionally here. Because I get to experience that same thrill of vulnerability, of anxiety, of shame and embarrassment – of being exposed – when I get naked that way.
I wish I could be a happy-go-lucky nudist, but I’m not. I do love the physical feeling! But I also love the emotionally-edgy darker feelings that being naked evokes.
Me, naked (mostly), at Twisted Tryst this past summer.
See who else is getting nude or naked at the prompt!