I’m feeling down tonight. Had a rough day, which included talking to the Missy about her plans to move into an apartment with her friend – a wonderful, exciting development for her that I am thrilled about (for her), and definitely the “next step” into adulthood for her, but which also makes me sad, knowing that our Tuesday & Thursday morning coffees and impromptu visits from her are coming to an end. Of course the Tuesday & Thursday Bones and Grey’s Anatomy viewings (she always watches the reruns here in the afternoon), of which Grey’s always makes me cry (as today) will also be coming to an end, so there’s a silver lining, right?
Thinking about living here, while the Missy moves on into a new place and into her new adult life, also makes me think about my own life. I am having some…conflicted feelings…about Ad that are causing me heartache. I love him, but…at times I don’t know what I love about him, other than the fact that he is good to me (and my kids) and loves me. But other than that…there just doesn’t seem to be much there between us. Is that enough? I just don’t know. What other option is there, though? The fact that he is perfectly content and happy makes it worse.
I hope this is just one of those phases that couples go through periodically.
In the Missy’s Bones-viewing marathon I did find some new music though:
Of course listening to it, to her sweet, sad voice and the lyrics, also made me cry.
Yeah, it was that kind of day.
And then I got into a fierce argument with my youngest son, who is 18 and has been a trial to me, unlike my other two children. I seldom lose my temper, and rarely even raise my voice, but I really lost it today, which made me feel all that much worse, and the emotional hang over sent me to bed this afternoon to cry myself to sleep.
So I thought I’d noodle here awhile and see where it takes me. I don’t use this space for “personal” journaling much anymore, so sometimes I forget I can. I don’t have to write “about” anything. I can just…write about nothing, until I’m done.
Which makes this a post that you can totally feel free to skip. (I know, it’s not like you need my permission to skip any of them. But you know what I mean.) This is just me, bathering on. Nothing to see here, right?
So…last night I sent W links to three blog posts that I really enjoyed:
I’ve been thinking about them since, for whatever reason. Re-reading them now, I see how very different they all are, but how much each of them speaks to me, and to part of me that is feeling a little lost just now.
The first is about passion.
The second about kink.
The last about D/s.
Those three things are intertwined inextricably for me, and while one without the others is certainly enjoyable on occasion, I really need all three to feel fulfilled. Which (natch) I’m kind of not feeling right now.
I loved the part in “Love Like a Lotus” where she talks about being so overtaken by their passion for each other, their need, that they had to have have sex where ever they were: in the backseat of the car, or off the side of the trail, in a bathroom at a party.
I miss that. Sometimes my Guys don’t even seem like they want to kiss me, much less feel passion for me.
Oh, they want to fuck me, sure enough (or at least W does, Ad doesn’t do much of anything lately) but kiss me, or grope me, or make out until we’re both breathless and dizzy with desire? Not so much. That just isn’t part of what we do.
And usually that’s okay, because honestly I have never been a huge “foreplay” kind of girl – my idea of foreplay is getting pushed to the ground and growled at to suck his cock – but sometimes…well, yeah, I long for that kind of passion. That they were so crazy passionate about me that they had to have me right then, no matter where it was.
Sigh. I know that’s all NRE romance-book nonsense. But, well, I guess that post made me long for it, just a bit. To feel that way – to be felt about that way.
Rayne’s post was…well…just goddamned hot and kinky.
Fuck I miss kink.
I want someone to hurt me. I want someone to push me. Someone who knows exactly how far and how hard to push me, and to do it.
I want to be surprised and a little scared and overwhelmed and talked dirty to and treated dirtier. I want kink that leaves me in a breathless puddle. That makes me ache and fly and cry and need.
Passion and kink.
But, for various reasons, there’s been a dearth of that as well.
And lastly, “Conflict.” Wow, what is there to say about that? What that post talks about – submission – that is the thing I perhaps want the most, and just don’t get enough of. I am talking about the deeply conflicting emotions of ultimately acquiescing – of submitting – to something I have been told to do, in spite of those conflicting emotions. I long for that moment of release and relief as I finally surrender to another’s will:
That’s just not part of what W and I do in the “classic” sense of the dynamic. Other than sometimes making me do sexual things with others, he doesn’t like to make me do things I don’t want to do (and even with the sex stuff he only pushes as long as he knows that I secretly want to do it) and he doesn’t enjoy giving me tasks or directives. Even when he does it is always – always – with the disclaimer “as long as it doesn’t interfere…” or “only as long as it’s fun.”
But sometimes I want to have to do it even if it isn’t fun. I want to do it because he wants me to. And sometimes I want there to be consequences for not doing a thing, even if it was inconvenient.
Blah blah blah.
Maybe this is some kind of weird drop. I had a great time in NY, and even though I had gone there expecting nothing in the way of kink, W surprised me with rope and some yummy hot sex. Maybe that’s the problem – I was getting used to…whatever it was before we left. I was to the point that I wasn’t even thinking much about sex and kink, or hinting about it, but now…well, he’s started the motor running again, and here I am at home, dealing with kids and the peculiar empty space that is where Ad and I are at the moment, and…well, not getting beat up, or fucked, or anything.
Move along…nothing to see here.