I had a fantastic weekend at EroticonUSA–
–and then when I got back on Monday my life went sideways.
It wasn’t my whole life, just a really major part of it: my job.
It’s been a little touchy around my office lately. I work in non-profit, and though it’s called “non-profit,” that doesn’t mean we don’t have to make a budget, that we don’t have to cover expenses, just like any other business. and just like so many other businesses in the US, we have suffered losses in the past few years. We’ve had layoffs, we’ve had to shut offices and reduce programs, we’ve had cuts in pay again and again.
Monday I learned that, along with some other major shake-ups in the upper echelons of my organization, my own boss’s job is threatened, largely due to politics. She’s being forced out, and will probably be resigning. Due to the political nature of the situation, she is fairly certain that our jobs – my coworker’s and mine – are also “very much in jeopardy.” And even if it isn’t about politics, there’s a good chance that this new round of lay-offs will involve at least one of us. If we’re lucky, we “probably” have until after the Christmas holiday. She wasn’t supposed to share this with us, of course, but she refused to leave us in the dark. “I want you to have every opportunity to land on your feet,” she said. “I don’t want you blindsided.”
I love my job. A huge part of that is – was? – my boss. But another part of that is the technical aspect of what I do – the web stuff, the social media, the coding, the web design, the problem solving. Because I have been so happy in my current position, I’ve never had a reason or need to go beyond what I do there, to go back to school and get the necessary education or technical training to do more.
When I told Ad that maybe I wouldn’t lose my job, his response was this: “Sometimes life gives you an opportunity you didn’t know you were looking for. Even if you aren’t laid off, I think it’s time to get the education you’ve wanted to get, Jade. Make a job change your decision.”
My boss had said that to me when she told me what was going down. W had something similar as well.
So maybe the time and need has come.
So yeah, I haven’t felt much like writing. I’ve done some crying, I’m doing a lot of worrying, and a bit of “what if-ing.” I haven’t got to the planning stage yet, but that will be happening soon. W and Ad have done a lot of commiserating and supporting, and also a fair bit of “what if-ing.” Mostly they’ve let me curl into a fetal ball on the sofa for a day and a half and watch “Castle” reruns (and one really good episode of “The Good Wife”) lent me their shoulders when I’ve needed them, fed me pizza and ice cream.
And today W took me in the basement and did mean things to me.
“I just want things to be normal again,” I said. It was about more than the job. We haven’t played since my birthday – schedules and travel and illnesses and now this. But I need to feel normal again.
BDSM play centers me. It’s that simple. I needed it, and thank god (or whatever entity is in charge of me getting a whipping every so often) he gave it to me.
I’m still sideways. I’m still scared. I’m still off-balance. But not as much as I was before.
Stayed tuned for the next episode, right? Oh, and more about Eroticon as well. When I’ve fully regained my equilibrium.