Wow, two blog posts from me two days in a row? Can you tell I’ve been missing my little blogging home?
Sometimes I think about giving up blogging all together. This is especially true when I go for long periods without kink – because what do I have to write about then? But the truth about that is, even when I’m not writing nasty stuff, writing stuff that I hope will make other people (yes, you, my lovely readers) wet and hard and excited, I still have things I want to say. And yeah, maybe they won’t be as fun as the other stuff, the hot sexy stuff, but that’s okay too, because I write here as much for me as for you. Ever since I can remember, I’ve keep a journal, a diary, a blog of some sort.
That need doesn’t stop when I don’t have anything sexy to share.
The other times I’ve thought about shutting it all down were when a collision between my real life and my kink life seemed imminent. It happened when I won the Riverfront Times blogging award (On Being a “Winner”) and images from my blog appeared on their front page, in print, as well as in links throughout the web story. And it happened recently, when I realized that being as out-there with my images (if not my real name) on the ‘net might cause me issues as I job hunt, if an employer was to look hard enough for me online. Can the “real” me and the kinky me be linked that easily? I don’t know, but I’m pretty open about where I live and make many connections between my real life and this blog, so it’s possible.
(No, I’m not asking anyone to try and do so for me, in fact please don’t! The deed is done, I can’t go back and uncrack the egg, so if it’s possible, then it’s possible – but I don’t want to have a week or a month of anxiety seeing all the connections, thankyouverymuch. In this case, ignorance is bliss. Or at least a less-stressed Jade.)
So what’s all this have to do with this post and what’s going on in my life (or, as I titled it, “News, Notes & Updates” in my life?) Eh…I dunno. Except that maybe it’s the long way of saying that not being able to write here while I’ve been concentrating on the real life drama of potentially losing my job, my grandmother’s death, job hunting and trying to keep my shit together has really brought this point home: I love my blog. I love writing here, whether it’s for you, W or myself, and I miss it when I’m not.
So what is going on in my little (real) world?
As I have mentioned (ad nauseum) I’m looking for a job for when my current one ends. Sending resumes, reading advertisements, signing up for job alerts and on job hunting sites. Got my resume updated, posted profiles here and there, am dabbling in that whole “networking” bullshit that I despise. I’ve had a few interviews, one offer (that I didn’t accept), a few rejections and a whole lot of silence.
It’s the job hunting game. But it’s also disheartening at times, and as one who doesn’t deal well with rejection (even when I know logically that it’s not “personal”), it’s stressful and makes me depressed, and makes me question every good thing I (think) I know about myself: my qualifications, my abilities, my skillset, my experience.
But (goddamn it) there’s good to be got out of it as well. I’m learning things about myself. Kind of like when I spent that month alone in Pennsylvania, there was good to be had out of the suckage, and I wouldn’t change it, I wouldn’t undo it.
Hmm…I just said “I wouldn’t undo it,” in reference to my PA trip, but also, by inference, in regards to this situation. Is that right? If I could go back to how things were at the beginning of the year, when I started working remotely from home full-time and it seemed I had the world by the tail, would I?
Honestly, I don’t know.
Oh, if I hadn’t got to this point, right here, right now, if I had been in that moment looking forward, without knowing what I’d learn about myself and what possibilities lay out there, I’m sure I wouldn’t have changed it. I was comfortable; life was easy.
Not that I want life to be hard.
But…but… But I’ve learned some stuff. I’ve had to think about what I want, who I am, and think about possibilities. And, in some ways, this is an exciting time. I am facing some challenges – and I am persevering.
For instance. Interviewing. Oh my god interviewing sucks! I hate hate hate it with a passion I can’t describe. But…it’s also a skill. And, the more I do it, the more I am able to see what I do bring to the table, to see and embrace my own value.
I’ve also started doing some online learning. What I actually do in my job is an nth of what I want to do, of what I could do, with a little bit of learning and education. And the idea of learning all this new stuff – stuff about what I’ve just dabbled in before – is exciting. Thrilling! Almost as exciting as doing kinky stuff. (Heh.)
I’ve also been working. A lot. Hard. Long, long hours, because although my job is ending, there is still a lot to be done between now and then, and (in another “goddamn it” moment) I’m not the kind of person that can let things slide just because I won’t be around after June. So I’m doing what needs to be done, whether or not my time and effort is appreciated.
I did have a really positive interview with the new senior team that will be taking over my organization. And there is a possibility that I may actually have a job offer from them (a slim possibility, but it’s there.) I’m not holding my breath – and honestly, I’m not sure I want it if it is offered (see above: possibilities.) But, that too is an interesting possibility, as it would mean doing some of what I am doing now, but also a whole lot more of one particular aspect of my job, an aspect I have never had time to focus on before. So, we’ll see.
In happy, kinky news, I have gotten to attend a couple sex and kink parties (see Kendra’s post “Busy Beaver” for a mention of one of them and an adorable picture of the two of us) and I am planning on attending a few more, both with W and with other kinky friends. I’ve also secured our reservation for yet another Twisted Tryst. We weren’t planning on attending this year, due to my travel schedule, but June turns out to be open, and dammit, I need a few days away, with nothing to worry about except if I will get beat up that day, or fucked in front of everyone, or if I have time to take a nap. So we’re going.
I’m a little sad about it because Ad can’t go. He, too, has started a new job, and doesn’t have time off for it. Events like this, and the occasional parties that he attends with us, are some of the few times that he gets kinky with me, so I will miss that. On the other hand, I haven’t had the opportunity for much intensity with W lately, in terms of kink, so this might be good for he and I as well.
On the other other hand, unlike previous kinky events, when I’ve hoped, planned, hinted, plotted, dreamed of and had huge expectations, I’m really going to ramp down my expectations for this trip. No plans, no pre-event plotting or date-making or even much socializing. For once, I am not going to plan or expect anything. It gets tiring always being the instigator, the planner, the one that “makes things happen,” yanno? And right now I can’t take any more of that on in my life. My brain just can’t manage even one thing more. In fact we’re even going to stay in one of their “bunkhouses” so I don’t have to plan what to bring, pack it all, and then get everything set up for camping (and then do everything while we’re there.) This trip is as Jade-the-mad-organizer free as I can make it.
And if I end up napping on a blanket in the sun the whole time we’re there, watching everyone else get kinky around me, that’s fine. I just need to give my brain a break.
So…that’s it for now. But I have a feeling I am going to allow myself a little more time here and there, in between interviews and class sessions, to blog. This, too, is important, if only to me.