I’ve been up since 4:30 AM. Not for any bad reason – no more anxieties here, at least not the work-induced sort. This was allergy meds popping me awake, which sucks, but is better than the anxiety I’ve been having the past couple of weeks (okay, months) while I sorted the job situation out.
Oh yeah, in case you’re wondering, as of Thursday, it’s been sorted. It was a race down to the wire though. Maybe I should explain, for those of you who may not be on Twitter, or didn’t see this post:
Late last Monday afternoon, after I had given up and assumed that they weren’t going to offer the job to me, the other organization I had been interviewing with finally called. Yes, they offered me the position, even after my faux pas. I can only assume I somehow skated under their radar with my stupid error. The next day was July 1, when I was supposed to start my new position, the one that I had lobbied so hard for, and that they had created for me. I had, for all intents and purposes, already been working for them, as one of my major responsibilities was to have been a website conversion that had to be in place before the first. They were well pleased with my job performance, and I had already gotten to like my new would-be boss.
Of course, only a couple of days before – right before I went in for my second interview for the other new job, as a matter of fact – she had told me she was actually moving into a different, higher level position within our organization at the end of July – but I shouldn’t worry, it would all be fine. When the new job offer came through, that kind of cemented the deal for me. I’ve had one disastrous experience at a job in which the person that hired me, who I liked, was let go within two weeks of me being hired. I hated the new guy, and left after a year of misery. I didn’t need a repeat.
So Tuesday morning I called her to let her know I’d accepted another job. She was upset to be losing me, to say the least, and after much discussion and back-and-forth, she got me to agree to wait to formalize my resignation – or even to accept the new job officially – until I had spoken to our CEO, who was due in our office the next day.
The guy is a great salesman, I’ll give that to him. He really wanted to keep me, and he pulled out all the stops, including offering me more money than the other position offered. Unfortunately what he was selling was not something I wanted to buy. He offered me the position that my would-be boss was leaving. I’d be Director of Communications over our 10 state region, with a staff of four answering to me. I wouldn’t be a VP, but I would be a member of the Senior Team, with the trajectory of the position to be to move into a VP position eventually.
It was a Big Girl Job, for sure. A “career” making job. I woke up this morning thinking, “I could be telling people I am the Director of Communications at my company – how cool would that be??”
Super cool – in theory. In reality, I would be catapulted into a job for which I had no experience, into management, where I had never wanted to be, directing people to do the things I love to do in my job, instead of doing them myself. And I couldn’t help but remember how miserable our own senior team was, always under the gun, always stressed, working crazy hours and always feeling like they weren’t doing enough. Paddling uphill both ways. Combine all that with the instability I have felt since all of the changes locally, regionally and nationally, and there was no way I was going to step into that maelstrom. And certainly not for the amount that they were offering me, even if it was more than the other job.
I was worried though that instead of making a smart decision, a decision backed by critical thinking and logic, as well as an honest assessment of what I want to do with my life, I was making it out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not living up to whatever potential my CEO saw in me – because that was what his (clever) sales pitch hinged upon: After talking with many, many people in our organization, and then getting to know me a bit that day (this was about a three hour discussion), he knew I could do the job. He believed in me. Now, did I believe in me?
The man knew the right buttons to push.
Luckily, I had three wonderful men to talk me through the debate that raged inside me as I tried to decide. My two partners, of course, and a lovely friend who is also a highly successful businessman in his own right, and had just gone through his own career stuff. And what I came away with was this: they believe in me as well. They all said that they knew, if I chose to take on that job, that I could do it, and excel at it. That wasn’t the issue tho. The question was: did I want to.
And so I pondered. What did I want to do? Would I be happy doing that kind of a job?
Oddly enough, as often as I have self-doubts, I do believe in me. I do know that I could do the job. But I don’t thunk I would be happy doing it. Because I would be driven to prove myself: coming from behind, forever playing catch up, trying harder than anyone else because I would know I wasn’t really worthy of being there, wasn’t experienced enough, didn’t possess the right credentials to be there. And so I would be driven that much harder to prove to them and to everyone else that I did deserve to be there.
I’m just not that ambitious. Or masochistic (no really!)
I don’t want to live like that.
I’ve never been a “corporate ladder” type. Never wanted to climb up any ladder, never wanted the big career. I just want to do a job that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling, that allows me the means to live my life without being my life.
I love what I do. I love being the do-er. I don’t want to be the direct-er. I love creating things and implementing them and being the person that gets the job done. I don’t want to tell other people what to do. I don’t want to be the strategist (tho that may be a part of my new position, and I am fine with that, as long as it is a natural growth of my position as I gain experience and knowledge.)
So, I thanked my CEO at my old new job for the opportunity, but said that it wasn’t the right one for me, and told my new new job that I was looking forward to seeing them on the 21st. And breathed a huge sigh of relief to have made a decision, a decision that was right for me.
Then I got on with the business of living my life, which I seemed to have put on hold while all this crazy shit’s been happening. You know, stuff like:
- Helped my son get packed up and moved into his dad’s place, where he is going to live while he goes to college (we’re empty nesters, Ad and I!)
- Made a grocery list and went shopping for the first time in a month.
- Reorganized our closets and made plans to re-carpet, paint & move our bedroom into my son’s old room, and make our old bedroom into a study/office on one side and a gigantic walk-in closet on the other.
- Went on a date at a swanky new restaurant.
- Set up my new laptop, that I have had for a month but not used yet.
- Made the reservations for my son’s and my trip to NYC in August.
I also took a long walk with Ad, and for the first time in weeks (months, maybe) we talked about something other than WTF I was going to do with my life. And then we had sex – real sex! – for the first time since all this got crazy. Today I spent the day at W’s working in the garden and tonight we are going to a play party.
There’s still some things to be decided (how long will I work for my old new job – not at all, another week, until the 18th?) and what to do here on this blog, with the Kink of the Week blog and with my author site, because I may need some time to lay low while I acclimate at the new place, without having to be constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering if they’ve stumbled upon my kink life. I’ve been considering a redesign anyway, so perhaps this is the nudge I need to do it.
Or maybe I’ll say fuck it and let the chips fall where they may. We’ll see (and of course I will apprise ya’ll of any developments or decisions I come to.)
Meanwhile…life is good again. Life is life again, not limbo. Thanks to everyone for sticking all the craziness out!