Viewing Myself Through Others’ Eyes

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The prompt this week, “Masturbation Fodder,” has to do with how we feel about exposing ourselves in photographs in our blogs, and our relationship to those that view them: “Do you care what the viewer or reader does with them? Does it turn you on to know that you stimulate? Does it humiliate you to be reduced to their masturbation fodder…?”

I have written a lot about my own ambiguity  about the photos W takes of me, most notably a very early piece called “The Story of Pictures” and again for a more recent Kink of the Week titled “Am I an Exhibitionist?” I think the juxtaposition of those two pieces (and, if you follow on to the posts just after the latter one) speaks eloquently to the sea change my feelings on the subject have undergone.

To say that I post my pictures specifically or deliberately to elicit arousal, or to stimulate my readers, would be too simplistic. Of course I acknowledge that some of my images might do so – yes, I may even hope that they do at times! As I said in the previous two pieces, at times posting “naughty” images of myself makes me feel vulnerable. Exposing myself in this way feeds a topsy-turvy exhibitionist streak, fueling my own arousal in my awareness of my exposure. And so, in that example, while I don’t “care” what people do with my images (meaning if they use them for masturbation fodder, not if they steal them) or not, it gives me a low-level thrill of anxiety and heat to think that they might be wanking off to them. But humiliating? Hmm, I have to give that some thought.

I think at first I felt a twinge of humiliation or embarrassment in my exposure, and in the knowledge that an anonymous, faceless “someone” out there was looking at them, possibly getting off on them. But…not so much anymore. I don’t know when that change happened, or what precipitated it, but it definitely happened. And what I am left with is…a feeling of empowerment in sharing my images. Again, I’m not sure what precipitated this (though I have an inkling.) All I know is that I feel pride in the images I put out here, in sharing our kinky selves here, in sharing what we do and who we are through our images. And yes, that even extends to knowing that maybe someone, somewhere, is getting off on them. I hope that they are doing more than that…but orgasms ain’t a bad thing! And if that is what my images inspire – more power to those who make you of them to fuel their pleasure! ;-)

Oddly enough, and conversely, I still feel that sweetly anxious tangle of emotions – embarrassment, vulnerability and objectification – when W takes pictures of me in a scene. You would think it would be less with him, but it’s not.  It’s just the opposite. Anonymity somehow lessens my feelings in that regard. Knowing W, being open to him and vulnerable to him, to his perceptions of me, to his desire for me and approval of me, heightens those feelings when he has his camera in hand.  I’m not sure how or why that works, but I’m not unhappy about it.  Those feelings of vulnerability inform and enhance our scenes (at least for me), and I would hate to lose that.

As for the rest of the world – at least the little bit that views my images online? If they move you to “take matters into your own hands,” enjoy!

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Comments

  1. Marie Rebelle

    Like you I have never posted my pictures only to get people aroused, but I realized that it does happen. I remember the first time that I met someone in person who I knew had seen some of my most intimate photos. Oh how I blushed, but I did not feel humiliated at all. I felt pride mixed with shyness.

    I love to see your different feelings to your photos :)

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      I am always *really* shy meeting people that have read my blog (and thus seen my pictures.) Not humiliated at all, but yes, still very shy and a little embarrassed, wondering what they are imagining, what pictures they are remembering, when they meet me.

      Reply
  2. Beauty's Punishment

    When I meet people live in person that I know online, I am only thinking of them in that moment. I’m one of those people that look you right in the eyes when talking, unless it’s at a kink event and there are corsets, so there might be looking at the cleavage. ;)

    Reply
  3. Jane

    “Oddly enough, and conversely, I still feel that sweetly anxious tangle of emotions – embarrassment, vulnerability and objectification – when W takes pictures of me in a scene. You would think it would be less with him, but it’s not.”

    I can totally relate to this. M doesn’t often pick up the camera but when he does it makes me anxious in a way that I never feel when taking an image of myself and posting it on my blog. It is an intensely vulnerable feeling – oddly, like a compounded version of when someone takes a photograph of me under ‘normal’ circumstances with my clothes on. That makes me feel vulnerable, too.

    I wonder suspect my reaction is due to the lack of control I have over the final image: I can’t choose the composition, the lighting – or the way I am portrayed.

    Jane xxx

    Reply
  4. Lola

    It gives me great satisfaction to know that men, women, and especially couples jack/jill/get off to my pics and H.H.’s stories about me. I use the pics they send in to me of their getting off as my “masturbation fodder.” Very meta.

    Reply
  5. drew

    As a long time lurker/admirer of your blog, yes, there are times your stuff gets me “chubby” , but the biggest thrill comes from you being confident and generous enough to share intimate parts of your life with those of us who have the same kinks. I feel I have grown to know you, even though you know nothing about me. I can only tell you I admire you and Iam grateful and apreciative for your candor. You’ve made me realise I am not alone in my taste for this delicious, non mainstream kink, and you’ve made me understand I’m not alone out here,
    Thank you……..

    Reply
  6. John

    As I said in my piece, I don’t post pictures to get the viewer aroused. Indeed, I would surprised if anyone gets aroused through them. I post pictures normally to get a giggle, tell a story. Or just make a point. I’m an exhibitionist at heart so of course, I enjoy the process! ;-)

    Reply

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