The prompt this week, “Masturbation Fodder,” has to do with how we feel about exposing ourselves in photographs in our blogs, and our relationship to those that view them: “Do you care what the viewer or reader does with them? Does it turn you on to know that you stimulate? Does it humiliate you to be reduced to their masturbation fodder…?”
I have written a lot about my own ambiguity about the photos W takes of me, most notably a very early piece called “The Story of Pictures” and again for a more recent Kink of the Week titled “Am I an Exhibitionist?” I think the juxtaposition of those two pieces (and, if you follow on to the posts just after the latter one) speaks eloquently to the sea change my feelings on the subject have undergone.
To say that I post my pictures specifically or deliberately to elicit arousal, or to stimulate my readers, would be too simplistic. Of course I acknowledge that some of my images might do so – yes, I may even hope that they do at times! As I said in the previous two pieces, at times posting “naughty” images of myself makes me feel vulnerable. Exposing myself in this way feeds a topsy-turvy exhibitionist streak, fueling my own arousal in my awareness of my exposure. And so, in that example, while I don’t “care” what people do with my images (meaning if they use them for masturbation fodder, not if they steal them) or not, it gives me a low-level thrill of anxiety and heat to think that they might be wanking off to them. But humiliating? Hmm, I have to give that some thought.
I think at first I felt a twinge of humiliation or embarrassment in my exposure, and in the knowledge that an anonymous, faceless “someone” out there was looking at them, possibly getting off on them. But…not so much anymore. I don’t know when that change happened, or what precipitated it, but it definitely happened. And what I am left with is…a feeling of empowerment in sharing my images. Again, I’m not sure what precipitated this (though I have an inkling.) All I know is that I feel pride in the images I put out here, in sharing our kinky selves here, in sharing what we do and who we are through our images. And yes, that even extends to knowing that maybe someone, somewhere, is getting off on them. I hope that they are doing more than that…but orgasms ain’t a bad thing! And if that is what my images inspire – more power to those who make you of them to fuel their pleasure! ;-)
Oddly enough, and conversely, I still feel that sweetly anxious tangle of emotions – embarrassment, vulnerability and objectification – when W takes pictures of me in a scene. You would think it would be less with him, but it’s not. It’s just the opposite. Anonymity somehow lessens my feelings in that regard. Knowing W, being open to him and vulnerable to him, to his perceptions of me, to his desire for me and approval of me, heightens those feelings when he has his camera in hand. I’m not sure how or why that works, but I’m not unhappy about it. Those feelings of vulnerability inform and enhance our scenes (at least for me), and I would hate to lose that.
As for the rest of the world – at least the little bit that views my images online? If they move you to “take matters into your own hands,” enjoy!