In case you haven’t noticed, I didn’t post anything for the last two Kink of the Weeks (school girl fetish & gas masks.) I know, I know, I should post something, after all it is my meme, right? But as you also know, if you’ve been following my blog the past year (and in particular since I started my new job) I haven’t had a lot of time or energy to write, so when I do have the time, I have given myself permission to write only the things that I want to write, that inspire me, and not worry about trying to write something just because I “should.”
That said, both of the last two KOTW’s did inspire a lot of musing during the times when my brain wasn’t otherwise engaged, not so much about the kinks themselves, but about the nature of desire. What makes us tick, what turns us on, and why? How did we get the way we are? Where did these desires, these kinks come from?
Why are we this way?
For instance, one of the things I read several times regarding schoolgirl play is “it’s not ageplay.” But if it isn’t ageplay, then what is it? What is it about an adult woman dressed up in a schoolgirl’s uniform that arouses some people so deeply? From my (admittedly minute) sampling, it appears to be a very male-centric kink. While I came up with a few “men dressed as schoolboys” type websites in a quick search, the results were nowhere near what I got for women-as-schoolgirls. And of the women that talked about dressing that way, many of them said it didn’t do anything for them – they did it to please their (male) partner.
A lot of people that are into schoolgirl play talk about being transported back to an earlier time, to a more carefree time, or a time when sexual arousal was new and fresh. Many also spoke about the corruption of innocence, and that the schoolgirl look stirs this darker – and less socially acceptable – desire in them. There is also frequently an element of punishment to it. Since what I often see in ageplay seems to be the opposite of this (a daddy/daughter, mother/son dynamic, often with overtones of protection of innocence as opposed to the taking of it) it would seem that schoolgirl play is very different.
Circling back to my original question, then, I have a possible answer: many men remember those girls, the ones that teased and tormented them in their formative years. The ones that made their young cocks hard at the most inopportune time, with all kinds of (often conflicting) emotions: desire, embarrassment, fear, resentment, wonder, arousal. To either recapture those feelings, or to act out punishment (by corruption or physical punishment in the form of BDSM play) on an effigy of those young women, the ones that aroused and teased and caused all those delicious, painful, conflicting feelings, seems a perfectly natural outlet for kink (and, actually, it’s kind of hot to me.) (Disclaimer: I am not saying this is what it is for everyone, or even anyone, these are just my suppositions.)
Is our sexuality, what drives our sexual desire and arousal, “imprinted” on us sometime in our sexually formative years? There have been studies done about homogamy – the choosing of a mate based on similarity – that claim this preference is imprinted on us in childhood:
Using a combination of analytical models and individual-based mathematical simulations, Chaffee and Griffin made several important discoveries that shed new light on how mate choice is influenced by “sexual imprinting,” a process whereby individuals express preference for mates with traits similar to their mothers, to their fathers, or to other adult members in their population. (from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/08/130827113029.htm)
Could sexual desire be imprinted in a similar way? The things that first arouse us – not specifically breasts or blonde hair or a beard, but the first situations that inspire excitement and emotional/sexual arousal in us – carry through to our adult years, and become our sexual triggers?
I’ve been thinking back (and back, and back) to my own earliest memories of arousal. Here is what I came up with:
- Age 7 (or thereabouts): A boy lured me up to an empty apartment, lay down on the living room floor and tried to pull me down on top of him. “Come on, lay down on me,” he said. I tripped over his legs and fell down on him, smacking him in the nose with my elbow, and got up and ran away. I remember being acutely embarrassed – but also something else, something that I now recognize as my embarrassment-arousal response.
- Age 7-ish (same time period): Three or four of us children in the 7-9 age range playing “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” in the bushes. I was embarrassed and ran away again – but again I was also excited and wished I hadn’t been a “baby.”
- Age 11-ish: A friend of a friend tried to kiss me. He was sweet and fumbling – and did nothing for me.
- Age 12: A male cousin about my age copped a feel of my ass as we both rode in the back of his uncle’s Jeep. Again, that embarrassment/excitement response, knowing it was “wrong” (and running away) but also knowing that I that I liked it.
- Age 13: A friend’s adult uncle felt my ass on a fishing trip. He was a very controlling, older person, and I was very confused by it – adult males didn’t do those things! Again, I ran away, but I was also very aroused and excited. (I’m quite glad that my first instinct was always to run away, as it came out years later that my friend’s mom and their family knew about his proclivities and never protected us from him.)
- Age 14: I found Nancy Friday’s book on women’s fantasies & one of the Beauty books. The stories I remember most from the Beauty book were about being inspected, a pony-play horse whipping scene, and a scene in which a woman was molested and used in front of the whole “court”; from the Nancy Friday book were fantasies about anal sex and enemas. By then I did know that they aroused me…though I still hadn’t accepted that this was “acceptable” and tried to sublimate it.
- Age 14-ish: In a very early sexual encounter, I was at a party in which a friend wanted some alone time with the guy of her choice, so she “gave me” to the guy’s friend (both men were were 22 or 23 to our 14 or 15 years.) He took me in a back room and had sex with me in a very dismissive, cursory manner. He literally “used my hole” to get off and then left. I do not recall what I felt during that, but I do know this is a very strong trigger for me now.
- Much later, in my early twenties, I experienced intense arousal – and my first orgasm – with a lover who was very aggressive (and at times abusive.) Violent sex, a hand on my throat and an occasional slap were not unheard of. And it aroused me, when it was sexual. When it was just drunken rage it terrified me. Wait, it also terrified me when it was sexual, but then, with him fucking his hard cock into me while he did it, my terror warred with my arousal.
Looking at this list I can easily make linkages between what arouses me now – the underlying triggers – and the “inciting incidents” in my young life. But does that prove imprinting? (Of course not, my experience is merely my experience, and by definition anecdotal.) It also doesn’t take into account the myriad of other experiences and things that have aroused me for which I don’t have corresponding triggers – or at least don’t remember them if they do exist. But it’s interesting to think about.
I’m curious about others’ experiences. What is your earliest memory of sexual arousal? Does it coincide with what arouses you now?