After reading Hy’s post “My paintbrush is empty” last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I write here (and what I don’t write) and why I write. I’ve mused on the topic before, and it always comes around to the fact that, mostly, this is a journal for me. An as-it-happens memoir, if you will. It also serves other purposes, of course…a love letter to my partners (tho one of them doesn’t read it), a communication tool between W and I, a creative outlet for me, a form of exhibitionism (and as such, part of my kink), a way to fuel and drive our sex and kink lives. And, last but not to be discounted or trivialized, it is a way to for me to connect with others out there in the wide world: other bloggers, readers, kinksters, voyeurs, friends, lovers, writers.
Mostly, I write about sex and kink. Less often I write specifically about relationships, though naturally that topic is interwoven throughout most of my posts because sex and kink are about relationship for me, and how each of my partners and I relate informs our sex lives. Even less often I write about my family and work life – my “vanilla” life. I try to be somewhat circumspect, as my main focus really is kink here. But…this is my space, and it is, for all intents and purposes, a journal, so I don’t feel confined to “stay on topic” (kink) and have no qualms with meandering into some very vanilla territory, and exploring events and topics outside of that, such as my relationships with my family, the train trip I took with my Mom, my complex emotions when my sister died, or the ups and downs of being a mother to three now-adult children. And, as my partners and I grow older, I imagine a lot of what I will write about will be about how we manage kink and sex as our bodies age and change, as well as the mundanities (I think I made that word up) of all of us setting up house together. It’s all part of my life, and though I don’t share everything in my life, I feel comfortable sharing enough that I don’t often get bored or run out of stuff to say. I know it’s not always the most riveting reading…but…um (at the risk of offending you, my very-much-appreciated readers) I don’t really care all that much if it isn’t. I mean, I’d love it if y’all were enthralled with every little thing that flies off my keyboard, but, well, I assume if you aren’t, you’ll just click “next.” No harm done.
But yeah, sometimes, as Hy so eloquently put it, my own paintbrush runs dry, and I sit here and wonder, “What is so interesting that I need to share it here?” Who cares if I was sick-as-a-dog last week, if I was struck by the oddness of having prayers recited before meetings at work, if my Ex decided to be a passive-aggressive asshole with my daughter (and she outsmarted him). And so I don’t write, because, even though life’s wonderful and good and we’re all happy…it’s also so…well, so mundane.
Sometimes, life just does its thing, we just go along, and there’s not so much to say. Even when we are having kinky fun. And sometimes I just don’t have time to sit and write, or even make a photo-post. Like this weekend, we went to a belated birthday party, and did a little impromptu rope, and worked on stuff re: the new house, and had some more kinky fun, and had some yummy sex, and went exploring St. Louis and took some pictures and did some house renovations, and just generally had a wonderful weekend that I wanted to write about several times, but…I chose to do stuff rather than write about it. So I could write now, or tomorrow, but…I’m tired, I’ve been working all day, and then by the time I get to it, it’ll be stale. Like Halloween – I wanted to write about that, but…um…now it’s the second week of November. And I wanted to write about Twisted Tryst this past summer. And a Follow-On to my Boobday post, and thoughts about dealing with jealousy, and, and and so many other things.
You see how it goes.
And sometimes, even when I have time (like now), I don’t feel like writing kinky stuff, even about the sexy stuff we just did this weekend. Sometimes I’d rather just ramble on about nothing (apparently, since that’s what I’m doing now.)
Looks like I should have called this post “A Whole Lotta Nuthing” rather than “This ‘n’ That.”
So is there a purpose here, to this blog? Is there a reason to keep plugging away, even when it doesn’t seem like I have anything to say, or am too lazy or too tired or too bored to say it?
I don’t know. But I’m not ready to stop yet. Even if I do sometimes write long, rambling, pointless posts. ;-)