Of Skeletons and Secrets

Welp, here I was all planning to be working too hard on the new house to have any time for writing or blogging or “socialating” (W’s word – really, we need to make it a for-real word) when I was struck down by the flu (or something) bug, and have been laid up in bed for three days. The first two of which I could barely lift my head. Today I am a bit better, though still abed, and getting bored with all this downtime. Which means I am getting better – yay! Ad went over to the house to work on tearing up some more tile with W (obviously I am not that much better, or you know I’d be there) so I thought, what the hell, I would catch up on what y’all are doing here in blogland, and maybe take the opportunity to do a bit of blogging myself.

Originally I hadn’t planned to write anything for The Sin Doll‘s Wicked Wednesday prompt, Skeletons in the Closet. But a couple of posts I have read on the prompt, and another elsewhere, as well as a recent comment on my blog, got me to thinking about this thing that I (we) do…this sex blogging thing. And being so open about it. Is blogging about sex and kink – or even being poly – a “skeleton in my closet”? In her post, Skeletons, What Skeletons?, fellow blogger and writer Kayla Lords says that for her, it is not.  She says,

There are some who would probably consider my erotica writing and publishing a skeleton – or the fact that I keep it secret, a skeleton. Maybe so. But I don’t. That’s all that matters.

Skeletons in the closet implies shame about something. My life is an open book – for those who ask the right questions. My erotic life is an open book – for anyone willing to read a while.


Does that equate to having no fear of discovery? I’m not sure, as I don’t live in her head, but I admire her ability to confront the possibility of it in such a head-on manner, and to be seemingly ready to accept the consequences of such a discovery.  I wish I had the ability to have no fear of discovery, no concern that exposure would impact the rest of my life negatively. It shouldn’t, after all. Who cares what I, or any of us, do on our own time, in our personal lives?

The reality, for most of us, is very much different, however. I have a close friend whose life was turned upside down by her employer discovering her “secret” identity, and more recently a fellow blogger had her own scare with being outted. Those are just two examples among many that I have seen in my 10+ years of sex blogging.  I had my own run-in with the threat of exposure back in 2012 when our local alternative paper named my then-Wordpress hosted blog “Best Sex Blog” in their yearly “Best of…” series. It forced me to go dark for several months as I contemplated my blog being discovered by my employer.

I don’t necessarily equate fear of discovery with feeling shame for what I do, though, and I don’t think the bloggers I mentioned feel shame for what they do, either. Having a skeleton in your closet – a secret that could impact your life negatively – isn’t always about being ashamed of whatever-it-is that is hidden there. Sometimes it is about society’s hang-ups. I’m not ashamed of who I am, the choices I’ve made in my life, or the life I lead. I’m not ashamed of what I write here, and what I choose to expose about myself. I’m proud of this little place I’ve carved out on the web, and that my writing occasionally touches someone, moves them, or even – gasp – turns them on.

But really, why do I do what I do in such a public way? Why put my face here, why be so open, if I fear discovery by my employers? As the commenter referenced above said,

The fact that you are so free with who you are is mind blowing. I have not figured out yet if I should cheer this or call it stupidity and be appalled. I assume that at some point you have talked about why you do this and how any risk of affects you but I must have missed it. Anyways, must bloggers I read never even show their face, much less their house, car and so on.


Although I know several sex bloggers that show their faces and are open about their identity, most of them have jobs and home lives that would not be affected by this. Some have already been forcefully outted, and so have faced the lion and have nothing to fear any longer. Some simply chose to be open and faced the outcome, good or bad. I live in that narrow in-between zone, in which I am mostly out (to friends and family but not to my employer) and hope that I don’t make any missteps that expose my real identity to the wrong person. I do live in fear that I will be discovered – and yet I still put myself out here.

Why am I willing to live with this particular skeleton in my closet?

At one time I didn’t show my face in my blog. I was as secretive as any other super-anonymous blogger, using a made-up name and letters for those others who had to be named in my blog.  I still use my pseudonym, and in fact publish all my erotica under this name. But at some point it became important to me to have an identity – a humanity – here. To be me.  To show more than sex stories and disembodied body parts.

W and I have a fairly intense and physical BDSM relationship. What we do can be transgressive at times, and sometimes what we do isn’t “pretty” in the middle of it, even to those who get off on it and respond to the dark eroticism of it.  But there is also beauty, and joy. There is laughter and love, and such an incredibly deep emotional connection I don’t have words to do it justice. This is true for the entirety of our lives – W’s, mine and Ad’s. At some point in this journey, as the blog developed, it became important to me to share that with my readers as well. To share the humanity of our lives, as well as the hot, dark kinky stuff. To be more than a kinky story and sexual imagery.

I wanted to share me. I wanted to show a whole person, a whole life, one that has kink at its center, but also has a human being, a woman who loves her children and worries about being a good mother, who cried over the death of her dog but struggled to cry over her sister’s death, who lived through the anxiety of a job loss and is facing her own mortality. A woman with hopes and dreams and sorrows and failings, just like any other. A woman that could be the girl next door.

I wanted to share us. Who we are, as human beings, not just sexual beings. Because I truly believe that until the world sees our sexual selves  – no matter what its flavor – as just another part of our whole selves, we will all have skeletons in our closet.

And so I showed my face. And my life. And I live with the specter of the skeleton in my closet, hoping that one day it will crumble to dust.






  1. Modesty Ablaze

    Wonderful, wonderful post . . . so much of what you say resonates with my perspective too. If only the world was a much more open, honest and accepting place . . . without all those worries, moral and otherwise, of “what if” our family, friends, employers . . . etc. etc. etc.

    Xxx – K

  2. Kayla Lords

    I’m glad you decided to write, although, I hate that you had the flu or some horrible derivative of it.

    I used to have a terrible fear of being found out by people in my vanilla life – when I worked in the corporate world and what people thought of me personally was very important to my career. Now that I work for myself and I write full-time, I have less fear. I know that if I was found out, I’d lose a few clients but I also know that I’d be okay, too. I’m still ready to let my family see what I write because it’s so intensely personal, and I really don’t want the worried lecture/look from my mom – but if confronted by it, I would bare my soul – because that’s what’s I tend to do.

    I felt the same urge to share real life, not just sex, with my readers. I think, for many of us, we want to be seen. We want to be known. We might not want our co-workers to know us, but we want loyal readers to know who we are. Readers have already shown acceptance – they keep coming back for more, commenting, sharing, whatever. Our family, friends, and colleagues are the wild cards – they’re the ones who could reject us over this. If I have a fear of anything, it’s that.

  3. Marie Rebelle

    When I just started out as a sex blogger, I was very afraid of being discovered. I did not tell my kids, my mom, absolutely no one. Then, maybe a year or so into sex blogging and after many talks with my Husband and other sex bloggers, I decided to tell those closest to me. I am still me, whether I am a sex blogger or not. The fact that I blog about sex and post photos do not suddenly make me a bad mother or a bad daughter. I am still me and thankfully everyone had accepted it in this light. Even my colleagues know I blog about sex. The only thing no one know is my pseudonym, but I am no longer afraid for them to find out. Because in the end, I am still just me. However, I am not ready yet to share my face….

    Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, Jade :)

    Rebel xox

  4. Kendra

    Well done! While I do think everyone should come out or share what they are comfortable with at their own pace and in their own terms, I think it is important to be as out and unashamed as possible. There are many of us who have paved the way. The more people who join the cause for sexual freedom, the more empowered we will be.

    Yes, I was fired and sued a few years ago because of my blog.

    But I have walked through fire and have stayed true to myself, and it has paid off. I am in a great place now. I love being fully authentic and integrated, it is so liberating and freeing. I don’t have to worry about my day job, daughter, ex-husband, parents, or lovers discovering my blog or sex work or naked pics and freaking out. I don’t have to worry about my life being ruined – been there, done that!

    I just read about a sex worker who killed herself after her parents found out about her job. This type of tragedy can be prevented.

  5. Flip

    Sharing who you are is a very personal thing, and to feel comfortable enough in your own skin to be able to do that must be…..liberating I guess.
    I like to give the readers of my blog teeny tiny glimpses of what goes on in my head, just a glimmer of illumination, because right now I truly only feel comfortable with that level of revealment.


  6. Cammies on the Floor

    Absolutely love that you wrote this! And I feel there’s far too much to respond to – from your post to the lengthy and well-thought out comments. So I’ll just let this simmer in my thoughts for a bit. Thank you

  7. Molly

    Brilliant piece of writing! I totally agree about showing the ‘whole’ person, the complete story of who you are and that is really how and why I slide from anonymity, because I couldn’t show that whole picture without doing so.

    I am in a lucky position where I don’t have an employer to worry about. The one area I try to preserve some separation is for me children which is why I continue to use my pen name as it will hopefully afford them the privacy they need while growing up.


  8. Charlie

    Jade, this is wonderful. For me, you really capture it all in this paragraph;

    .I wanted to share me. I wanted to show a whole person, a whole life, one that has kink at its center, but also has a human being, a woman who loves her children and worries about being a good mother, who cried over the death of her dog but struggled to cry over her sister’s death, who lived through the anxiety of a job loss and is facing her own mortality. A woman with hopes and dreams and sorrows and failings, just like any other. A woman that could be the girl next door.’

    You write beautifully, honestly and you have a style that’s a delight to read. I’ll definitely be around commenting much more in 2015 :)

    Charlie xx

  9. Beauty's Punishment

    I wish we could share more pictures of us running free, and doing whatever. Jolynn just can’t afford to lose her job since she’s the bread winner of the family. It affords us our house in the city and food to feed us, clothe us, and care for the pets.

  10. SexyLittleIdeas

    Hear hear you. As a childfree model / sex columnist, I am free to use my real identity without fear of the implications on my professional / personal life. I must, however, keep the secrets of the other people I write about.

  11. Sweetpea


    This post brought me to tears. I love that you wrote this. Thank you for sharing your life here in this space. Your openness is a gift to all of us and hopefully a day will come when societies hang-ups will be a thing of the past.


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